Gonzo Stro

It's at a time like this I wish the drugs were taking hold; a fat blunt of sess, or a good scotch would do just fine.  I'd like to have something to open up my mind to make sure I had a heightened awareness, or maybe something to get me just fucked enough so that I was completely oblivious.  Anyways something to make this at least: meaningful.  The thing is: I don't lose my inhibitions anymore.  I don't think I've lost them for about 10 years now.  I loosen em up once in a while, but I don't lose them.  Not even that psilocybin I ate in Amsterdam made me lose them.  Maybe that's my problem?  I haven't gone over the edge in so long.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, and I'm not sure I want to lose my mind either.  I like all the things that I think keep my feet grounded.  Like my mortgage, I mean being able to keep my house, meaning: being able to keep paying my bills, shit that's bullshit: I really don't want to think about that, and I still want to have my home.... I guess I want to be a rock star! 
But here I am straight as I can be, and I think it's working, I think I'm loose.  My head's in the clouds anyways.  It feels like I kind of have nothing to lose... ok I have: my wife, my health, my house, my friends, my parents, ( and work when I have work ).  All things I wouldn't jeopardize to lose for any reason.  That's the line I walk.  But free thinking: I think I am, but that's not really over the edge is it?  Not like Gonzo.  I gotta say: I just watched "Gonzo - Life & Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson".  His persona was, and still is a drug. Hence I'm high on thoughts right now.  I think I was 16 when I read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and my dreams of being a hockey star we're eventually replaced by a cloud of smoke.  
So I used to be a rock star, but what teen to early twenty something who's got nothing to live for because his dreams were squashed isn't?  I eventually hit rock bottom & realized I had plenty to lose, like my life & freedom.  So at the ripe old age of 24: I "cleaned up", and found a new dream to follow so here I am: almost 36 still chasing that dream. 
But at a time like this when history is repeating itself... actually I think it's spiraling down some full metal hurt locker, and when a generation of "Gonzo" love loving ideals was just injected back into my psyche; I can't help but think someone needs to go over the edge... to continue the legacy for peace, love & democracy.
Is it going to be me?  Not unless I can get the credentials, the money, and the freedom to live the life I want to live alongside the swine that are no different than those used car salesmen of the 60's, 70's, and 80's H.S.T. was talking about, the same scum who now sell you the use of ideas in 3 year contracts.  The same rotten people who sent young men to die then, and still do it today; just so they can keep control of some sadistic ideals.  I don't even understand what that really means, but then again I could never understand how anyone can outlaw a plant, and at the same time run a business, actually I think run an economy on making and selling weapons. WEAPONS!!!!!! no good can ever come from a weapon!!!!!!! this is what should be outlawed; weapons!!!!!!!!!!!  No one in the world has to be armed, sure we can send soldiers anywhere, but one thing is for sure it doesn't help anyone if they are armed.  Send them with shovels, send them with computers, books, or seeds.  But weapons will not help keep them alive, and weapons surely will not make friends.  
I'm not that stupid, I know the "other" guys have weapons too, and at this point it doesn't matter where they came from.  The only thing that matters is not having weapons, so that they can learn from us on how to live without them.  A change of ideals is needed to reverse the trend of more weapons, to: no weapons.  If we really want to help we would go over there to help, and not with violence on our mind, but friendship in mind.
Sending anyone with weapons to meet someone else who has weapons is sending them to war.  To me this is over the edge, and this line shouldn't be crossed ever!  I'd be losing my mind if I had to go somewhere with a gun, drugs I take on my own volition: that I can handle.